Q:Have you ever gotten someone from OKC that was quick to want to exchange pictures over another messaging service? (we only exchanged 2 messages so far). I started talking to someone, 21 years old, that didn't want to put up a picture because he wants to be "private" but said it was ok to exchange over yahoo IM. That raised some red flags to me.
He’s definitely gonna send you dick pics, friend.
I am not an object for you to do things to, Broseph. I have thoughts, feelings, and desires that actually need to be considered.
Q:Hi, I have a question regarding BDSM, feel free to ignore if it's not something you want to answer here. My boyfriend and I have both mentioned passing interest in femdom, but we haven't really talked about doing it together. How would you go about starting a conversation about this? What should we talk about? Thank you in advance.
First, since you’ve both mentioned some amount of interest in femdom, you shouldn’t have to worry about him reacting poorly to a deeper conversation. There’s no risk in starting to talk about it—just ask when you know you’ll have some time to really get into it.
It is, however, not a good idea to bring up this kind of conversation in the middle of having sex or while intoxicated, especially if you expect to jump into femdom right after you bring it up. I say that because trust and the domme’s respect for the sub’s limits are incredibly important. You can’t build those things in a span of 10 minutes, even if you’ve been dating for ages.
What I would recommend doing during this conversation is going through a checklist of activities that he might be interested in exploring. The CEPE checklist is particularly comprehensive and probably my favorite, but there are a whole bunch of other checklists here. I know a checklist doesn’t sound sexy, but it really will give you an idea of his soft limits (things he might want to explore after some trust has been built up) or hard stops (things he will never, ever want to do).
You’ll notice that I’m predominantly talking about his limits. Most people think that the domme should drive the interaction, but in a proper, healthy D/S relationship, it is all about the sub. The domme’s job is to keep the sub safe, both mentally and physically. It is because of this that many subs go into something called subspace—they trust their dom/domme so much that they can go somewhere meditative. If you get your boyfriend there, you know you’re doing something right. (It is also okay if he never goes to subspace. Not all people can.)
After going through your checklist of choice, it might be fun to search online together for some toys that you could both enjoy. The Stockroom is a particularly good resource that can give you a lot of ideas, though you can often find the same toys on Amazon for cheaper.
I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to move this interaction forward slowly. Once you’ve sorted out what you’re interested in, start with the easy stuff. Soft bondage (where he can release himself if he gets uncomfortable), light gags, and nothing that could seriously hurt him are good places to start—flogs are fun but it’s better to start with your hands. And always, always provide aftercare.
For a while I had this TED talk in my “I spend a lot of time thinking about…” section.
It only yielded a lot of comments about ordering pizza. Not sure what I expected.
If at first you don’t succeed, offer me a kink I’ve not expressed an interest in.
Q:I feel like you have posted this before, but I couldn't find it with some searching through the archive so I figured I'd ask! Do you have any good advice on writing a profile that is strictly for casual sex? More specifically, do you know any good resources for a man in an open relationship in regards to writing a profile dedicated solely to finding short-term/casual relationships that have no intention on turning into anything more? Thanks!
My advice for a man looking for casual/friends with benefits sex is to make a totally normal, honest, open, fully filled out profile.
Sometimes I come across men’s profiles which are sparse, have photos which don’t show the face, and only write about sex - I run a mile from those. You should be open and honest about what you want, but profiles like that don’t make me want to engage at all. From experience, I know that they’re just going to message me constantly about sex, try and sext me immediately, push me to meet up for sex straight away, and not respect my boundaries or interest in getting to know someone before I meet them.
Because of our societal double standard, most straight men have much much less to lose by someone finding out he’s looking for casual sex online, and the safety fears are next to nil.
Most women on OKC get absolutely tons of unwanted messages from men demanding that we have sex with them, so if we just wanted casual sex with any stranger, that would be no problem. The most important factor for me in deciding who I might be interested in is personality, so you should write a profile and messages that show your personality, worldview, and other interests, just as you would for regular dating, and let it go from there.
Be honest and open about what you’re looking for, but do not write “I’m just looking for NSA sex” in your opening message, because your recipient probably got that message 4 times already today. Just send nice normal interesting first messages, to people whose profile indicated they might be into casual sex, and then bring up what you’re both looking for later when the conversation seems like it’s taken off.
The most important thing to remember is to treat women as people, with respect and interest and kindness, not as objects for you to try and stick your penis in. Good luck! - A.
Q:Hi! Anon seeing the guy in NA here. Thanks so much for the advice. It was really tremendously helpful. He's told me more about it now, and I don't feel nearly as anxious about it. We're taking things very slowly and are focusing on building a connection as friends before we jump into anything too serious, but it's already one of the most rewarding, caring relationship I've had with someone. Thank you so much, you're all so lovely here!
Yay! Glad to hear that we (via our friend) could be of help. Best of luck to you both!
I believe there are hotlines for this.
"Our questions are identical" says the guy who thinks women have to shave their legs and gay people are morally wrong unless they’re actually straight women kissing each other in clubs for the amusement of men.
Q:I just got a tinder and I'm already extremely underwhelmed by the guys who've messages me. It's always just "hey." I'm also very unsure of how much to put on that profile. How many pictures is enough? 2? 3? 6? IM A NOOB WHOS OVERWHELMED BY ALL THE "HEYS" IVE GOTTEN
People on tinder always open with ‘hey’, for some reason. I have screens and screens of those messages. You don’t need to write a full message like you might on OKC, but a little bit of effort and creativity goes a really long way.
Most people only have a sentence or two as their tagline - I’ve found it helps to have something people can easily start a conversation from. Mine said “Worst tinder message so far: ‘Looking for next lady ho wanna do good sex’”, which was helpful for weeding out people who would send that sort of message, and easy for someone to make a conversation-starting joke about.
I think around 4 pictures is ideal - and again it helps if there’s something in them for people to talk about. Good ideas are novelty food, fancy dress, interesting/recognisable locations, animals (but please god no selfies with sad drugged up tigers in Thailand).
A lot of tinder (and OKC) users ask generic questions like “what would you do with a million dollars” and “if you could travel anywhere in the world right now where would you go” to try and get conversations flowing. I’m sure this works for some people, but I’ll be honest and say I find it kinda dull and obnoxious - I always found that things got along better if you actually ask the other person questions about themselves and their life.
I had the most productive encounters when I saw someone I thought I’d probably like and messaged them first myself. My impression is most guys send out a lot of “hey”s with a very low response rate, so you have a good chance of that working out.
Bear in mind that tinder is notorious for interpreting your filters as ‘suggestions’, so it will definitely show you people from outside your maximum search location area. You can unmatch people from your chat list, if they send you a bad message, turn out to be 97 miles away, or when you inevitably look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking when you swiped right.
Hope this is helpful - let us know how you get on! I mostly found tinder boring and frustrating, with very few people I’d be interested in going out with, but I know some people who have been pretty successful with it. Good luck! - A.